Saturday, January 5, 2008

An open letter to everyone who made a New Year's resolution to get healthy:

Hi. ,How are you? ,Good. ,So, it’s nice and all that you’ve decided that this is the year that you’re going to lose weight and get healthy. ,Yes yes, I know, you all want to look better and feel fit. I understand. But here’s the thing…, why did you have to join my gym?

I mean heck, not only are your extra cars making parking a freakin' ,hassle, but now most of the Arc Trainers are taken in front of the good TVs. ,How, I ask you, am I supposed to do three miles without the History Channel? ,No no, I can’t just “move to the treadmills,”, because over there is the television-land ghetto in which the only choices are Fox News and perpetual reruns of Becker on TBS. ,Blech.

So, yes, you stood there on New Year’s Eve with a flute full of champagne and a forebrain full of good intentions, but now it’s time to let all that go. You know you want to. It’s hard to stay motivated to get to the gym all the time. And it is, after all, time consuming, a lot of work and kind of boring. Well, more so if you have to watch Becker, but you know what I mean.

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not as if I want you to remain the lazy sack of cheese that you are, ,per se... ,it’s just that I think you need to decide if my gym is really right for you. You could, after all, just stop being a tightwad like me and join the New York Sports Club right across the street. I’ll bet they have fancier bottled water. And their scale probably works too. Just a friendly suggestion.

Oh what the hell... ,go for it, I guess. If you really are ready, then more power to you. I suppose it won’t kill me to make an extra circle or two around the lot.

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