An Open Letter to All Those Who Have Made a New Year’s Resolution to Get Healthy:

Hi. =How are you?= Good. =So, it’s nice and all that you’ve decided that this is the year that you’re going to lose weight and get healthy; and yes I know, you all want to look better and feel fit. I understand. But here’s the thing...= why did you have to join my gym?

I mean jeez, not only are your extra cars making parking a real problem, but now there never any Arc Trainers open in front of the good TVs. How, I ask you, am I supposed to do three miles without the History Channel? And no, I can’t just move to the elliptical machines, because they’re over in the TV ghetto where nothing’s on but Fox “News” and perpetual re-runs of Family Guy. Blech.

So, yes, you stood there on New Year’s Eve with a flute full of champagne and a big primate forebrain full of good intentions, but now it’s time to let it go. You know you want to. It’s hard to stay motivated and get to the gym all the time. And it is, after all, time consuming, a lot of work and kind of mind-numbing. Well, more so if you have to watch Family Guy, but you know what I mean.

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not as if I want you to be unhealthy, per se, it’s just that I think you need to decide if my gym is really right for you. You could, after all, just stop being a tightwad like me and join the New York Sports Club right across the street. I’ll bet they have fancier bottled water. And their scale probably works too. Just a friendly suggestion.

Oh what the hell... =go for it, I guess. If you really are ready, then more power to you. I suppose it won’t kill me to make an extra circle or two around the parking lot, but just do us all a favor and work out in front of Fox News so I don’t have to. Thanks.